Sunday, July 12, 2009
haha this is what i wrote to fel and what i improvised in the middle of the night while i cried after my mum scolded me. funny how i always think of her when im down. so wierd. lolx. and jovi don't u dare say anything or i swear ill (im not very sure what ill do either).
Its funny how things work. No second chances. Just when you thought u made up your mind, will it to your heart, a single day of loneliness crumbles those walls. I told fel, ann wanted me to make a decision by thursday night. I admit, I do have feelings for her. Sometimes i love her, sometimes i hate her, really want to beat the crap out of her or to push her out of my life. Its a love hate r/s. If love is defined by so, then i do love her. There are times when im proud to have her by my side, and times when im not. ANyway, since im leaving, I HAVE to give her up. No way am I going to tie her down, cause thats plain selfish. Many a times I tell her I don't want to be tied down, when in fact its both. But truth is, I fucking miss her. When I'm crying I think of her, when i'm alone in bed, i think of how warm her body used to be against mine. ITS NOT SEX! Just that when we just hug each other, her body is always warm against mine cold one. REmemberd how she cried when i couldn't tell her if loved her. THough still uncertain, i do know i can't live without her, but maybe distracting myself is the only way to get her off my mind. I cant salvage e damage ive done, or rewind the past, though i fcking miss her. WHen i think of her in someone else's arms, it hurts. I know i told her to get a gf, she think i mean it, but i don't. If this is the way for her to move on, then i rather so. After thursday night, when i made my decision, the second day of no smses from her was e killer. I thought i wouldnt mind, but e second night, it dropped onto me like a bombshell. a mess of feelings. As i packed, i imagined her with me, wierd isn't it. Maybe this 5 mths is a trying period. if feelings survive this 5 mths, then we;ll see how. if not its just friends. but will she be faithful? will she wait? does she even miss me? i cannot contact her at all, and via sms is e only way, but i have no guts to do so.
Vien vien vien, i saw ur post. I love you too. and let me tell you, i remembered every single past we had. they are all so precious like a gem. and i promise when i get back, we will have e hell of e time! haha. and i fucking miss you too! xoxoxoxoxo
with lots of love, 6:44 AM
Rosanne 
